My Experience At Lush

I came to know about LUSH through RedQueen at the end of last year.

The availability of an avenue to address conflicting Christianity and homosexuality issues was simply too appealing a topic for me to bypass. Without too much consideration, I signed up immediately as I have always wanted answers to my own long-term struggle.

Having been a Christian for 28 years, I have been brought up to believe that homosexuality is a self-inflicted sin and a personal choice (which can and should be stopped, just like smoking or taking drugs). I have never really doubted this form of belief previously and simply continued to struggle throughout my life as a Christian. I am not “out” to my church and I chose to be a closet lesbian for many years. There were days I felt extremely guilty and felt ashamed to worship God. I even felt ashamed to pray, because I thought that as a sinner (as well as being a continuous rebel since I was continuing in my alternative lifestyle), I have no right to ask God for anything at all. This was especially so, for personal development or relationship prayer needs. I never had the courage to ask for God’s blessing. I simply ask for His forgiveness & mercy week after week.

Not being “out” to my church friends also affected my relationship with them. Although many of them are genuinely concerned, I still doubt they will be able to accept me or understand my problems. This assumption may be wrong I know, since I never had the courage to “test” it out, but I guess I was just not willing to take the risk of being ostracized and condemned.

Strange as it seemed, I went to LUSH with loads of “skeptism”. While wanting to find the right answers on one hand, I told myself I will not compromise my faith, fearing that I’d be “brainwashed”. I told myself I didn’t want to accept any interpretations / explanations, simply to create convenient excuses for my sexuality preference and I was all ready to “defend” my faith, whilst hoping to prove it wrong in some ways.

I’m not sure what it was exactly – the unfamiliar church environment, the new acquaintances whom I was discussing my faith & struggles with or the entirely new interpretations of the verses, but I told myself that one session was quite enough for me. The suggested interpretations really sounded absurd to me. However, when the 2nd week came, I decided to give it another try. This time round, even the teachings was still new to me, I found them intriguing. Never have I studied the Bible in such context and to look at the background and interpretations in this way. Regardless of the doubts I had of authenticity and of truth, it spurred me to want to find out more. I was more ready and open to hear, to learn & to discuss.

This went on for the rest of the sessions. Of course at times I learned more and less at others. But besides the lessons learnt from the Bible, what I thoroughly enjoyed from LUSH was the interaction amongst the group. It was interesting to listen to the sharings, the contributions, as well as the various experiences and struggles. None from the group expected any of us to accept what was being said or discussed, but it all came as a form of suggestion so that we might generate new thoughts and consideration, with the hope of helping us in our own reconciliation with God subsequently.

I will always remember someone suggested: “perhaps God made us different, made us this way, so that we can reach out to those who are like us or are struggling like us” – this was a totally new concept to me. Simple, but I’ve never quite thought that being a homosexual Christian, I could still serve God and glorify Him.

New ideas, new thoughts and new suggestions no doubt will bring on more confusion. But it has made me more open-minded, motivated and gave me a new sense of hope, to search and explore, instead of accepting what was told. I must say that I’m still not 100% convinced or have completely reconciled, but I know I’m getting there and I do feel the difference in me as I approach various issues.

The friendship I made at LUSH, the support I received from the group (and also at FCC), has made it all worthwhile, even as I continue with my journey in searching for the truth.

Karen, Lush 5