I am Christian, and I am gay. Apparently, the two are mutually exclusive. Choices seemed to be my solution. I took out my mobile and keyed in their number. Somehow, I never got down to calling them. It just did not feel right.
A year later, I had a lukewarm relationship with God. I wanted a closer walk with Him, but the fact that I was lesbian became a barrier. I felt inferior, thinking that God would not want to have anything to do with me. Just as how my parents frowned on homosexuality, I thought God would too.
Then, I chanced upon an email from RedQueen, announcing the first run of LUSH. Looking back, I had no idea how LUSH would change my life. Signing up for it was easy. Making it a point to attend it was difficult. Would it be just an affirmation that I have to choose between being a homosexual and being a Christian? It’s my inclination to like girls. Turning straight is not a choice; I have tried and it felt like I was living one big lie. I could not understand why God would want His creation to live their lives out as lies.
It turned out to be untrue. God’s relationship with us is unlike our relationship with other human beings. His love and acceptance for everyone is sometimes too much for anyone to fathom or even imitate. While other people can tell you that homosexuality is against the Christian faith, I would say, go explore for yourself. Read the Bible, pray to Him and be open to His stirrings.
Don’t just let the churches tell you what is right or wrong. By all means, listen to what they have to say. At the same time, hear what the other side of the fence has to share too. Surf the web, read commentaries and pray. Let Him, not the church leaders, lead you.
LUSH made a big difference to me. I could finally reconcile being gay and being Christian. God did not reject me because I am a lesbian. He still loves me, and has a purpose for me. That purpose is not compromised because I am gay. Being gay to me, is a gift. Through the support group, I not only got to know wonderful girls who have been a great source of support, but also got to have a better relationship with God. I learnt to love myself, and to allow myself to accept the fact that I can indeed be Christian and gay. The two are definitely not mutually exclusive, and now I can confidently tell everyone, God loves you, gay or not". And yes, you can be gay and happy.
Cynthia
Sunday, August 23, 2009
My Experience At Lush
I came to know about LUSH through RedQueen at the end of last year.
The availability of an avenue to address conflicting Christianity and homosexuality issues was simply too appealing a topic for me to bypass. Without too much consideration, I signed up immediately as I have always wanted answers to my own long-term struggle.
Having been a Christian for 28 years, I have been brought up to believe that homosexuality is a self-inflicted sin and a personal choice (which can and should be stopped, just like smoking or taking drugs). I have never really doubted this form of belief previously and simply continued to struggle throughout my life as a Christian. I am not “out” to my church and I chose to be a closet lesbian for many years. There were days I felt extremely guilty and felt ashamed to worship God. I even felt ashamed to pray, because I thought that as a sinner (as well as being a continuous rebel since I was continuing in my alternative lifestyle), I have no right to ask God for anything at all. This was especially so, for personal development or relationship prayer needs. I never had the courage to ask for God’s blessing. I simply ask for His forgiveness & mercy week after week.
Not being “out” to my church friends also affected my relationship with them. Although many of them are genuinely concerned, I still doubt they will be able to accept me or understand my problems. This assumption may be wrong I know, since I never had the courage to “test” it out, but I guess I was just not willing to take the risk of being ostracized and condemned.
Strange as it seemed, I went to LUSH with loads of “skeptism”. While wanting to find the right answers on one hand, I told myself I will not compromise my faith, fearing that I’d be “brainwashed”. I told myself I didn’t want to accept any interpretations / explanations, simply to create convenient excuses for my sexuality preference and I was all ready to “defend” my faith, whilst hoping to prove it wrong in some ways.
I’m not sure what it was exactly – the unfamiliar church environment, the new acquaintances whom I was discussing my faith & struggles with or the entirely new interpretations of the verses, but I told myself that one session was quite enough for me. The suggested interpretations really sounded absurd to me. However, when the 2nd week came, I decided to give it another try. This time round, even the teachings was still new to me, I found them intriguing. Never have I studied the Bible in such context and to look at the background and interpretations in this way. Regardless of the doubts I had of authenticity and of truth, it spurred me to want to find out more. I was more ready and open to hear, to learn & to discuss.
This went on for the rest of the sessions. Of course at times I learned more and less at others. But besides the lessons learnt from the Bible, what I thoroughly enjoyed from LUSH was the interaction amongst the group. It was interesting to listen to the sharings, the contributions, as well as the various experiences and struggles. None from the group expected any of us to accept what was being said or discussed, but it all came as a form of suggestion so that we might generate new thoughts and consideration, with the hope of helping us in our own reconciliation with God subsequently.
I will always remember someone suggested: “perhaps God made us different, made us this way, so that we can reach out to those who are like us or are struggling like us” – this was a totally new concept to me. Simple, but I’ve never quite thought that being a homosexual Christian, I could still serve God and glorify Him.
New ideas, new thoughts and new suggestions no doubt will bring on more confusion. But it has made me more open-minded, motivated and gave me a new sense of hope, to search and explore, instead of accepting what was told. I must say that I’m still not 100% convinced or have completely reconciled, but I know I’m getting there and I do feel the difference in me as I approach various issues.
The friendship I made at LUSH, the support I received from the group (and also at FCC), has made it all worthwhile, even as I continue with my journey in searching for the truth.
Karen, Lush 5
The availability of an avenue to address conflicting Christianity and homosexuality issues was simply too appealing a topic for me to bypass. Without too much consideration, I signed up immediately as I have always wanted answers to my own long-term struggle.
Having been a Christian for 28 years, I have been brought up to believe that homosexuality is a self-inflicted sin and a personal choice (which can and should be stopped, just like smoking or taking drugs). I have never really doubted this form of belief previously and simply continued to struggle throughout my life as a Christian. I am not “out” to my church and I chose to be a closet lesbian for many years. There were days I felt extremely guilty and felt ashamed to worship God. I even felt ashamed to pray, because I thought that as a sinner (as well as being a continuous rebel since I was continuing in my alternative lifestyle), I have no right to ask God for anything at all. This was especially so, for personal development or relationship prayer needs. I never had the courage to ask for God’s blessing. I simply ask for His forgiveness & mercy week after week.
Not being “out” to my church friends also affected my relationship with them. Although many of them are genuinely concerned, I still doubt they will be able to accept me or understand my problems. This assumption may be wrong I know, since I never had the courage to “test” it out, but I guess I was just not willing to take the risk of being ostracized and condemned.
Strange as it seemed, I went to LUSH with loads of “skeptism”. While wanting to find the right answers on one hand, I told myself I will not compromise my faith, fearing that I’d be “brainwashed”. I told myself I didn’t want to accept any interpretations / explanations, simply to create convenient excuses for my sexuality preference and I was all ready to “defend” my faith, whilst hoping to prove it wrong in some ways.
I’m not sure what it was exactly – the unfamiliar church environment, the new acquaintances whom I was discussing my faith & struggles with or the entirely new interpretations of the verses, but I told myself that one session was quite enough for me. The suggested interpretations really sounded absurd to me. However, when the 2nd week came, I decided to give it another try. This time round, even the teachings was still new to me, I found them intriguing. Never have I studied the Bible in such context and to look at the background and interpretations in this way. Regardless of the doubts I had of authenticity and of truth, it spurred me to want to find out more. I was more ready and open to hear, to learn & to discuss.
This went on for the rest of the sessions. Of course at times I learned more and less at others. But besides the lessons learnt from the Bible, what I thoroughly enjoyed from LUSH was the interaction amongst the group. It was interesting to listen to the sharings, the contributions, as well as the various experiences and struggles. None from the group expected any of us to accept what was being said or discussed, but it all came as a form of suggestion so that we might generate new thoughts and consideration, with the hope of helping us in our own reconciliation with God subsequently.
I will always remember someone suggested: “perhaps God made us different, made us this way, so that we can reach out to those who are like us or are struggling like us” – this was a totally new concept to me. Simple, but I’ve never quite thought that being a homosexual Christian, I could still serve God and glorify Him.
New ideas, new thoughts and new suggestions no doubt will bring on more confusion. But it has made me more open-minded, motivated and gave me a new sense of hope, to search and explore, instead of accepting what was told. I must say that I’m still not 100% convinced or have completely reconciled, but I know I’m getting there and I do feel the difference in me as I approach various issues.
The friendship I made at LUSH, the support I received from the group (and also at FCC), has made it all worthwhile, even as I continue with my journey in searching for the truth.
Karen, Lush 5
Saturday, August 22, 2009
A sharing
Although I only attended a few initial sessions of LUSH & didn't do so much after due to work commitments, the bible study sessions opened up new insights for me on the interpretatations of the books in question in the bible ie. the importance of knowing the contextual background to the incidents of God's judgement & what the apostles like Paul wrote. In knowing only the face value interperetation of these passages in reading on our own or being taught by mainstream churches may only deepen our guilt of who we really are.
In a spiritual environment where I can be finally be comfortable in my own skin, it was edifying to hear the wonderful women who shared openly about their experiences & reinforce the knowing that I was never alone in this battle. I was already on the way there in reconciling with God, but LUSH & FCC facilitated the completion of my journey.
My sincere thanks to Jaime, Julia & Cephas for their time, love & patience in extending themselves, so that all like-minded Christian women will know that God has always loved us for who we are & has never left us.
Vivien (LUSH 3)
In a spiritual environment where I can be finally be comfortable in my own skin, it was edifying to hear the wonderful women who shared openly about their experiences & reinforce the knowing that I was never alone in this battle. I was already on the way there in reconciling with God, but LUSH & FCC facilitated the completion of my journey.
My sincere thanks to Jaime, Julia & Cephas for their time, love & patience in extending themselves, so that all like-minded Christian women will know that God has always loved us for who we are & has never left us.
Vivien (LUSH 3)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
What does LUSH cover?
LUSH is conducted over a span of around six months. Facilitators of the group will provide materials and engage participants in discussing the different topics involved. The entire run is divided into two phases.
The first phase predominantly covers the study of the six bible passages that mainstream churches use to condemn homosexuality. The six bible passages are: Genesis 19, Leviticus 18:22 & 20:13, Romans 1:26, 1 Corinthians 6:9, 1Timothy 1:9. This phase is structured in a way for participants to share their views on the passages involved and to bring a different perspective to the study of the bible.
The second phase will cover a series of issues that women face regarding their sexuality. Examples of some of these issues that have been brought up by previous Lush participants are : Loving Yourself, Relationship issues, Sex before Marriage, Coming out etc.
A short history
L.U.S.H. (Lesbians United for Self Help) was started in 2005 as a time-limited support group for gay Christian women, to meet the needs of women struggling to reconcile their sexuality and their faith. Though there was lots of information available online, it was thought to be helpful for gay Christian women to be able to gather as a group with others along the same journey, facing the same dilemmas and difficulties.
The first run of LUSH was facilitated by Jin-ee (Sayoni) and Jaime (Free Community Church), and there were 6 women who joined the group. We went through various topics covering the 3 main areas on Sexuality and what the Bible says; Our Relationships; and Our Community. LUSH has since been opened to women (gay, straight and/or curious), Christians and non Christians alike, who wish to find out more. LUSH had just completed their 5th run in 2009, and more than 30 women have participated in the LUSH support group.
Why LUSH?
Very often, we are told by our churches and the people around us that being gay or lesbian is a sin, and that Christianity doesn’t condone same-sex partnerships. As a result, many of us struggle with our sexuality as well as our walk of faith. LUSH, in a small group format, aims to provide a safe space to exchange ideas, explore other points of view, and encourage each other along our shared journey to women who struggles to reconcile our sexuality and our faith.
We do not provide answers, only a perspective that it is possible to be both gay and Christian. The journey of reconciliation is yours to take, but with LUSH, you know that you are not alone. Whatever your decision is at the end of LUSH, we just hope that the journey will lead you to more peace in your life with God.
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