Living life authentically as a Christian who happens to be gay is something I find extremely difficult...even today as I'm typing this.
Before I joined LUSH, having read the "clobber passages", heard the condemning as well as the affirming perspectives of the faith-sexuality issue, I was at a point where I was assured that God loves me. It was a long and hard struggle just to arrive at that point and it took years of tears and pain, countless nights of questioning God and questioning myself.
However, even with this assurance, I still felt very alone in this situation. Most people I know are either Christian and heterosexual, or queer and non-Christian (or non-practicing Christians). I remember stumbling upon FCC's website, reading about it and thinking how wonderful it would be to meet fellow queer Brothers- and Sisters-In Christ in Singapore who could worship God, just as they are, without having to mask or conceal any part of who they really are.
I can't worship regularly at FCC because I attend another church with my family but the first time I went to FCC was one of those times when my folks were out of town. That was when I was told about LUSH. I knew I wanted to join the next available run of LUSH and I'm really thankful that I did.
I can't promise that you will get answers or miracles, but I trust that you will meet fellow Sisters-In-Christ who can identify better with the faith-sexuality issues and struggles you face, and share experiences, stories and encouragement as we journey on together towards living authentic, victorious and God-centered lives.
- B
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Our own paths to choose
“Being born in McDonalds doesn’t make you a hamburger”. I will always remember this phrase thrown at us by this half balding preacher at one of the chapel services in school. That was exactly what I felt like telling my parents then. Christianity was not a choice. I inherited it. For many of us who were born into Christian families, our Christian path was very much paved out for us. All we had to do was just to stay on it.
When I first came out to myself, it was almost like a half whisper because I couldn’t come to terms with letting God hear me. Having been actively serving in church, it was painful and hypocritical upon realising my attraction to women. It was like having a mistress behind your partner’s back. My only coping mechanism was to keep those two spheres of my life separate so much so that I could make myself believe that I only lived in one.
Unfortunately though, alternating between both worlds took a huge toll on me both mentally and emotionally. I tried cutting away from the so called darker secret sphere by turning straight but the hypocrisy still lingered on in my heart. Eventually I chose my sexuality and God lost. Or so I thought.
Sometimes when you walk away from a relationship, a bit of that past gets internalised within you. It’s the same with my break up with God. A part of him was still there somewhere, tucked away in a corner of my soul.
When Tim, my friend who is gay, first told me about a church that was gay inclusive, I thought it was a scam of some ex gay ministry. And I knew I had to see it for myself and eventually when I did go down, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because I have never seen so many gay men in my whole entire life. When I look back now and reflect on how I ever did stay on, it really amazes me that God’s hand was in it all these while.
The first time I went to FCC was the first time it was announced that there will be a new support group Lush for lesbians who felt conflicted with their faith and sexuality. And it was this group that eventually led me to carve a new path, a path with my choice in it, to God.
In Lush, which was then led by Jaime and Jin-ee, we went through the six bible passages that spoke of homosexuality and covered issues that gay Christian women face. To be honest, I went not because I wanted to convince myself that homosexuality is not a sin. On the contrary, I attended lush because I wanted to be right that I was wrong all along for forsaking God. Each bible verse we covered, my mind was opening up but my heart remained sceptical. It was only towards the end of Lush that my heart began opening up as well.
For our last session, Jaime and Jin-ee invited a lesbian couple who were both pastors serving in ministry in the States. I was totally floored that lesbian pastors do exist. And what more, they were married to each other. How do they do it? How do they love God serve God and love women as well? The intangible perspective of homosexuality is not a sin was made tangible just by the sample of seeing these two women before me. It is real.
We had so many questions for them. And all the answers to those questions just lay in one statement: So what then will you do if God asks you this, “ Julia, so what have you done for me?”. And at that point, I knew I would have said, “ nothing.” Nothing because I’ve been so busy trying to fix myself first. Nothing because I was so obsessed with what was so wrong with me. Nothing because I was afraid of what others thought of me, a lesbian, serving in your ministry.
I knew then that there really is no greater waste of my life than to live it according to the path that was not chosen for me. It is not mine and I’ll never try to make it mine again. Instead, I chose having a sense of peace in my heart as my own fences that will line my path and guide me on my own walk with God.
Opening up my heart was only the beginning. I never dreamed that God would lead me one full circle in serving him through the way that I was first served. And in so, I became a facilitator for the subsequent runs of Lush. It was my way of passing on what was first given to me. The freedom of knowing that God loves you and can use you whatever way you are is beyond any word of expression. It will never make sense to you unless you open your heart up to the possibility of experiencing it.
- Julia
When I first came out to myself, it was almost like a half whisper because I couldn’t come to terms with letting God hear me. Having been actively serving in church, it was painful and hypocritical upon realising my attraction to women. It was like having a mistress behind your partner’s back. My only coping mechanism was to keep those two spheres of my life separate so much so that I could make myself believe that I only lived in one.
Unfortunately though, alternating between both worlds took a huge toll on me both mentally and emotionally. I tried cutting away from the so called darker secret sphere by turning straight but the hypocrisy still lingered on in my heart. Eventually I chose my sexuality and God lost. Or so I thought.
Sometimes when you walk away from a relationship, a bit of that past gets internalised within you. It’s the same with my break up with God. A part of him was still there somewhere, tucked away in a corner of my soul.
When Tim, my friend who is gay, first told me about a church that was gay inclusive, I thought it was a scam of some ex gay ministry. And I knew I had to see it for myself and eventually when I did go down, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because I have never seen so many gay men in my whole entire life. When I look back now and reflect on how I ever did stay on, it really amazes me that God’s hand was in it all these while.
The first time I went to FCC was the first time it was announced that there will be a new support group Lush for lesbians who felt conflicted with their faith and sexuality. And it was this group that eventually led me to carve a new path, a path with my choice in it, to God.
In Lush, which was then led by Jaime and Jin-ee, we went through the six bible passages that spoke of homosexuality and covered issues that gay Christian women face. To be honest, I went not because I wanted to convince myself that homosexuality is not a sin. On the contrary, I attended lush because I wanted to be right that I was wrong all along for forsaking God. Each bible verse we covered, my mind was opening up but my heart remained sceptical. It was only towards the end of Lush that my heart began opening up as well.
For our last session, Jaime and Jin-ee invited a lesbian couple who were both pastors serving in ministry in the States. I was totally floored that lesbian pastors do exist. And what more, they were married to each other. How do they do it? How do they love God serve God and love women as well? The intangible perspective of homosexuality is not a sin was made tangible just by the sample of seeing these two women before me. It is real.
We had so many questions for them. And all the answers to those questions just lay in one statement: So what then will you do if God asks you this, “ Julia, so what have you done for me?”. And at that point, I knew I would have said, “ nothing.” Nothing because I’ve been so busy trying to fix myself first. Nothing because I was so obsessed with what was so wrong with me. Nothing because I was afraid of what others thought of me, a lesbian, serving in your ministry.
I knew then that there really is no greater waste of my life than to live it according to the path that was not chosen for me. It is not mine and I’ll never try to make it mine again. Instead, I chose having a sense of peace in my heart as my own fences that will line my path and guide me on my own walk with God.
Opening up my heart was only the beginning. I never dreamed that God would lead me one full circle in serving him through the way that I was first served. And in so, I became a facilitator for the subsequent runs of Lush. It was my way of passing on what was first given to me. The freedom of knowing that God loves you and can use you whatever way you are is beyond any word of expression. It will never make sense to you unless you open your heart up to the possibility of experiencing it.
- Julia
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Gay but not happy?? No!!
I am Christian, and I am gay. Apparently, the two are mutually exclusive. Choices seemed to be my solution. I took out my mobile and keyed in their number. Somehow, I never got down to calling them. It just did not feel right.
A year later, I had a lukewarm relationship with God. I wanted a closer walk with Him, but the fact that I was lesbian became a barrier. I felt inferior, thinking that God would not want to have anything to do with me. Just as how my parents frowned on homosexuality, I thought God would too.
Then, I chanced upon an email from RedQueen, announcing the first run of LUSH. Looking back, I had no idea how LUSH would change my life. Signing up for it was easy. Making it a point to attend it was difficult. Would it be just an affirmation that I have to choose between being a homosexual and being a Christian? It’s my inclination to like girls. Turning straight is not a choice; I have tried and it felt like I was living one big lie. I could not understand why God would want His creation to live their lives out as lies.
It turned out to be untrue. God’s relationship with us is unlike our relationship with other human beings. His love and acceptance for everyone is sometimes too much for anyone to fathom or even imitate. While other people can tell you that homosexuality is against the Christian faith, I would say, go explore for yourself. Read the Bible, pray to Him and be open to His stirrings.
Don’t just let the churches tell you what is right or wrong. By all means, listen to what they have to say. At the same time, hear what the other side of the fence has to share too. Surf the web, read commentaries and pray. Let Him, not the church leaders, lead you.
LUSH made a big difference to me. I could finally reconcile being gay and being Christian. God did not reject me because I am a lesbian. He still loves me, and has a purpose for me. That purpose is not compromised because I am gay. Being gay to me, is a gift. Through the support group, I not only got to know wonderful girls who have been a great source of support, but also got to have a better relationship with God. I learnt to love myself, and to allow myself to accept the fact that I can indeed be Christian and gay. The two are definitely not mutually exclusive, and now I can confidently tell everyone, God loves you, gay or not". And yes, you can be gay and happy.
Cynthia
A year later, I had a lukewarm relationship with God. I wanted a closer walk with Him, but the fact that I was lesbian became a barrier. I felt inferior, thinking that God would not want to have anything to do with me. Just as how my parents frowned on homosexuality, I thought God would too.
Then, I chanced upon an email from RedQueen, announcing the first run of LUSH. Looking back, I had no idea how LUSH would change my life. Signing up for it was easy. Making it a point to attend it was difficult. Would it be just an affirmation that I have to choose between being a homosexual and being a Christian? It’s my inclination to like girls. Turning straight is not a choice; I have tried and it felt like I was living one big lie. I could not understand why God would want His creation to live their lives out as lies.
It turned out to be untrue. God’s relationship with us is unlike our relationship with other human beings. His love and acceptance for everyone is sometimes too much for anyone to fathom or even imitate. While other people can tell you that homosexuality is against the Christian faith, I would say, go explore for yourself. Read the Bible, pray to Him and be open to His stirrings.
Don’t just let the churches tell you what is right or wrong. By all means, listen to what they have to say. At the same time, hear what the other side of the fence has to share too. Surf the web, read commentaries and pray. Let Him, not the church leaders, lead you.
LUSH made a big difference to me. I could finally reconcile being gay and being Christian. God did not reject me because I am a lesbian. He still loves me, and has a purpose for me. That purpose is not compromised because I am gay. Being gay to me, is a gift. Through the support group, I not only got to know wonderful girls who have been a great source of support, but also got to have a better relationship with God. I learnt to love myself, and to allow myself to accept the fact that I can indeed be Christian and gay. The two are definitely not mutually exclusive, and now I can confidently tell everyone, God loves you, gay or not". And yes, you can be gay and happy.
Cynthia
My Experience At Lush
I came to know about LUSH through RedQueen at the end of last year.
The availability of an avenue to address conflicting Christianity and homosexuality issues was simply too appealing a topic for me to bypass. Without too much consideration, I signed up immediately as I have always wanted answers to my own long-term struggle.
Having been a Christian for 28 years, I have been brought up to believe that homosexuality is a self-inflicted sin and a personal choice (which can and should be stopped, just like smoking or taking drugs). I have never really doubted this form of belief previously and simply continued to struggle throughout my life as a Christian. I am not “out” to my church and I chose to be a closet lesbian for many years. There were days I felt extremely guilty and felt ashamed to worship God. I even felt ashamed to pray, because I thought that as a sinner (as well as being a continuous rebel since I was continuing in my alternative lifestyle), I have no right to ask God for anything at all. This was especially so, for personal development or relationship prayer needs. I never had the courage to ask for God’s blessing. I simply ask for His forgiveness & mercy week after week.
Not being “out” to my church friends also affected my relationship with them. Although many of them are genuinely concerned, I still doubt they will be able to accept me or understand my problems. This assumption may be wrong I know, since I never had the courage to “test” it out, but I guess I was just not willing to take the risk of being ostracized and condemned.
Strange as it seemed, I went to LUSH with loads of “skeptism”. While wanting to find the right answers on one hand, I told myself I will not compromise my faith, fearing that I’d be “brainwashed”. I told myself I didn’t want to accept any interpretations / explanations, simply to create convenient excuses for my sexuality preference and I was all ready to “defend” my faith, whilst hoping to prove it wrong in some ways.
I’m not sure what it was exactly – the unfamiliar church environment, the new acquaintances whom I was discussing my faith & struggles with or the entirely new interpretations of the verses, but I told myself that one session was quite enough for me. The suggested interpretations really sounded absurd to me. However, when the 2nd week came, I decided to give it another try. This time round, even the teachings was still new to me, I found them intriguing. Never have I studied the Bible in such context and to look at the background and interpretations in this way. Regardless of the doubts I had of authenticity and of truth, it spurred me to want to find out more. I was more ready and open to hear, to learn & to discuss.
This went on for the rest of the sessions. Of course at times I learned more and less at others. But besides the lessons learnt from the Bible, what I thoroughly enjoyed from LUSH was the interaction amongst the group. It was interesting to listen to the sharings, the contributions, as well as the various experiences and struggles. None from the group expected any of us to accept what was being said or discussed, but it all came as a form of suggestion so that we might generate new thoughts and consideration, with the hope of helping us in our own reconciliation with God subsequently.
I will always remember someone suggested: “perhaps God made us different, made us this way, so that we can reach out to those who are like us or are struggling like us” – this was a totally new concept to me. Simple, but I’ve never quite thought that being a homosexual Christian, I could still serve God and glorify Him.
New ideas, new thoughts and new suggestions no doubt will bring on more confusion. But it has made me more open-minded, motivated and gave me a new sense of hope, to search and explore, instead of accepting what was told. I must say that I’m still not 100% convinced or have completely reconciled, but I know I’m getting there and I do feel the difference in me as I approach various issues.
The friendship I made at LUSH, the support I received from the group (and also at FCC), has made it all worthwhile, even as I continue with my journey in searching for the truth.
Karen, Lush 5
The availability of an avenue to address conflicting Christianity and homosexuality issues was simply too appealing a topic for me to bypass. Without too much consideration, I signed up immediately as I have always wanted answers to my own long-term struggle.
Having been a Christian for 28 years, I have been brought up to believe that homosexuality is a self-inflicted sin and a personal choice (which can and should be stopped, just like smoking or taking drugs). I have never really doubted this form of belief previously and simply continued to struggle throughout my life as a Christian. I am not “out” to my church and I chose to be a closet lesbian for many years. There were days I felt extremely guilty and felt ashamed to worship God. I even felt ashamed to pray, because I thought that as a sinner (as well as being a continuous rebel since I was continuing in my alternative lifestyle), I have no right to ask God for anything at all. This was especially so, for personal development or relationship prayer needs. I never had the courage to ask for God’s blessing. I simply ask for His forgiveness & mercy week after week.
Not being “out” to my church friends also affected my relationship with them. Although many of them are genuinely concerned, I still doubt they will be able to accept me or understand my problems. This assumption may be wrong I know, since I never had the courage to “test” it out, but I guess I was just not willing to take the risk of being ostracized and condemned.
Strange as it seemed, I went to LUSH with loads of “skeptism”. While wanting to find the right answers on one hand, I told myself I will not compromise my faith, fearing that I’d be “brainwashed”. I told myself I didn’t want to accept any interpretations / explanations, simply to create convenient excuses for my sexuality preference and I was all ready to “defend” my faith, whilst hoping to prove it wrong in some ways.
I’m not sure what it was exactly – the unfamiliar church environment, the new acquaintances whom I was discussing my faith & struggles with or the entirely new interpretations of the verses, but I told myself that one session was quite enough for me. The suggested interpretations really sounded absurd to me. However, when the 2nd week came, I decided to give it another try. This time round, even the teachings was still new to me, I found them intriguing. Never have I studied the Bible in such context and to look at the background and interpretations in this way. Regardless of the doubts I had of authenticity and of truth, it spurred me to want to find out more. I was more ready and open to hear, to learn & to discuss.
This went on for the rest of the sessions. Of course at times I learned more and less at others. But besides the lessons learnt from the Bible, what I thoroughly enjoyed from LUSH was the interaction amongst the group. It was interesting to listen to the sharings, the contributions, as well as the various experiences and struggles. None from the group expected any of us to accept what was being said or discussed, but it all came as a form of suggestion so that we might generate new thoughts and consideration, with the hope of helping us in our own reconciliation with God subsequently.
I will always remember someone suggested: “perhaps God made us different, made us this way, so that we can reach out to those who are like us or are struggling like us” – this was a totally new concept to me. Simple, but I’ve never quite thought that being a homosexual Christian, I could still serve God and glorify Him.
New ideas, new thoughts and new suggestions no doubt will bring on more confusion. But it has made me more open-minded, motivated and gave me a new sense of hope, to search and explore, instead of accepting what was told. I must say that I’m still not 100% convinced or have completely reconciled, but I know I’m getting there and I do feel the difference in me as I approach various issues.
The friendship I made at LUSH, the support I received from the group (and also at FCC), has made it all worthwhile, even as I continue with my journey in searching for the truth.
Karen, Lush 5
Saturday, August 22, 2009
A sharing
Although I only attended a few initial sessions of LUSH & didn't do so much after due to work commitments, the bible study sessions opened up new insights for me on the interpretatations of the books in question in the bible ie. the importance of knowing the contextual background to the incidents of God's judgement & what the apostles like Paul wrote. In knowing only the face value interperetation of these passages in reading on our own or being taught by mainstream churches may only deepen our guilt of who we really are.
In a spiritual environment where I can be finally be comfortable in my own skin, it was edifying to hear the wonderful women who shared openly about their experiences & reinforce the knowing that I was never alone in this battle. I was already on the way there in reconciling with God, but LUSH & FCC facilitated the completion of my journey.
My sincere thanks to Jaime, Julia & Cephas for their time, love & patience in extending themselves, so that all like-minded Christian women will know that God has always loved us for who we are & has never left us.
Vivien (LUSH 3)
In a spiritual environment where I can be finally be comfortable in my own skin, it was edifying to hear the wonderful women who shared openly about their experiences & reinforce the knowing that I was never alone in this battle. I was already on the way there in reconciling with God, but LUSH & FCC facilitated the completion of my journey.
My sincere thanks to Jaime, Julia & Cephas for their time, love & patience in extending themselves, so that all like-minded Christian women will know that God has always loved us for who we are & has never left us.
Vivien (LUSH 3)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)